Heard 'em before, but it IS Winter . . .

Courtesy of Andy from the Bohemian Invitational Golf Society . . .

http://www.facebook.com/groups/90352492123/permalink/10151221010452124/

 

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 999 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

PWMTemplate
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Good Bye

 

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

 

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

 

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, flooking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

 

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

 

 

beta blockers

Truth & Rumors: Greg Norman says 'lots of guys' used beta blockers in his day

Posted at 12:05 PM by Samantha Glover | Categories: Charlie Beljan, Greg Norman, Truth & Rumors

According to a report by The New York Times, Greg Norman said he remembers a time when "lots of guys were on beta blockers" on the PGA Tour:

“It wasn’t openly acknowledged, but it was obvious to the rest of us. A guy’s personality would change. In practice rounds or friendly matches, we’d see the real guy under stress. Then in competition, he was like a different, calmer person. Those guys were trying to take the nerves out of the game. But nerves are very much a part of the game.”

In 2008, when the PGA and LPGA Tours adopted anti-doping policies, beta blockers were included on the banned substance list.

Charlie Beljan's panic attack and win at the Children's Miracle Network Classic did more than just secure his place on the PGA Tour next year. It has also brought up the discussion of beta blockers once again.

According to the Times report, Beljan will meet with his doctors near his Arizona home to discuss potential treatment plans this week. If Beljan is required to take medication to treat his anxiety, he will be required to apply for a therapeutic-use exemption, which will require a review by an independent panel of doctors, to continue the medication during competition.

Read more: http://blogs.golf.com/presstent/2012/11/truth-rumors-greg-norman-says-lots-of-guys-used-beta-blockers-in-his-day.html?sct=obinsite#ixzz2DyPVkQVV

Anchoring The Club - USGA Ruling

Well, I guess this is why I’m not in charge . . . I would have just ruled against the club . . .

But the USGA is taking a more nuanced approach . . .

Maybe I’ll get me a mid-length club . . .

 

 

as if . . .

Truths known only to an avid golfer! 

Don 't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt. For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away. 

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. 

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00am to mow the grass.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)... 

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

I like Ike

Golf was essential to his daily routine. When he awakened in the morning, he limbered up by taking a few swings in his bedroom with his favorite eight-iron.

He sometimes swung the club when dictating to Mrs. Whitman. At 5:00 p.m. he would rise from Teddy Roosevelt’s old Navy Department desk in the Oval Office, put on his golf shoes, and head out the door, leaving tiny spike holes in the floorboards. On the Ellipse, the greensward stretching south from the White House toward the Washington Monument, he would practice fairway approach shots. His faithful valet (or as he was known in military parlance, his striker), Sergeant John Moaney, would shag the balls while tourists peered through the iron fence.

Eisenhower teed off for a full round of golf about eight hundred times in his eight years as president. Almost every Wednesday and Saturday afternoon, he played three-hour, eighteen-hole rounds at Burning Tree, an all-male club in the Maryland suburbs. On twenty-three trips to Georgia, he played roughly two hundred times at Augusta National, where friends built him, on the 10th hole, a spacious three-story house known initially as Mamie’s Cabin, then more commonly as the Eisenhower Cabin. (Mamie herself never played but approved of the game as a stress reliever for her husband.) Ike was a respectable weekend golfer, usually shooting in the 80s, but he had a congenital fade and an unreliable putter, and he sometimes blew up with a torrent of hells and damnations. (Ike almost never used stronger language, and he disapproved of off-color stories. He would turn and walk away if a friend unwittingly tried a dirty joke.) The United States Professional Golf Association helped build a putting green and sand trap outside his office on the South Lawn in 1954. In the spring of 1955, when some unruly squirrels created divots in the green, Ike ordered them shot. Eisenhower was accustomed to having his wishes become commands, but in this case the offending animals were caught and removed.

Read more: http://www.golf.com/tour-and-news/exclusive-excerpt-ikes-bluff-president-eisenhowers-secret-battle-save-world#ixzz2BQhP3CrW

Alice Cooper points the finger at famous golf cheaters

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

 

Credit: Ian West/AP

Veteran rocker Alice Cooper has confessed he regularly cheats at golf – and he’s outed celebrity pals including former U.S. President Bill Clinton and tycoon Donald Trump for also bending the rules on the links.

The “School’s Out” hitmaker is a famed fan of the fairways and has credited the sport with helping him to kick his crippling booze addiction in the 1980s.

But he’s now admitted he can’t help moving his ball to a better position when his opponents are not looking, and insists he’s not the only star who likes to get a sneaky helping hand on the course.

Cooper tells Q magazine, “Everybody’s cheated at golf. You might give yourself a better lie, a little nudge here and there. Only when I’m playing with my friends, though. In tournaments I play straight up golf…

“The worst celebrity golf cheat? I wish I could tell you that. It would be a shocker. I played with Donald Trump one time. That’s all I’m going to say. President Clinton never had a bad lie in his life, let’s put it that way. It doesn’t matter where the ball goes, when you get there it’s sitting up because there are CIA guys in the woods (moving the ball), you know?”

- WENN

http://blog.chron.com/celebritybuzz/2012/10/alice-cooper-points-the-finger-at-famous-golf-cheaters/